I've realized that I have certain repressed thoughts.
I have been talking with several people about the concept of heterosexual normatives, and it has sparked me to want to write a blog entry about life growing up as a boy in the arts, as well as a boy in the athletic world.
I have known I was gay since I was 21, but decided to come out as bisexual to my close friends. It was only recently that I was finally confident enough to be fully open and honest with everyone.
Growing up, many people--friends, school mates, and adults--told me I was gay. This really confused me, because at 13 I didn't know what I was; I was more concerned with school, the arts and playing sports then with my sexual identity. I was never one to focus a lot of energy on expressing myself in a relationship, or strictly confining my identity to a specific label. I was a somewhat effeminate guy in a "male" dominant world, and grew up being told that men need to act in certain ways because it is the "right" way. And I allowed the fears of others to become my own fears/discomforts.
There is no right way to be a human. Yoga has taught me that we are all here in this current body for the first time. We can look at our past lives for lessons, but you never truly know who you are. Each day is a new day. Let me repeat: a NEW day. That means we have never experienced it before, we don't know what is coming, and therefore we should never act like we truly know what we are doing. Just be open and receptive, honest and true. Trust and have faith rather then fear and distrust.
However, now proud of my sexuality, I feel like there are also homosexual normative to conquer. Yes, I am gay, but no, I don't want to wear make up everyday, nor look or act like girl, nor sleep around on Church St. I don't enjoy that world. I enjoy my world. The last thing I want is for people to see me as gay--or see me a straight, for that matter. I want them to see me and think, "Wow that guy is in a great place. You can tell he is happy with himself, and he just happens to be gay, and he is proud of it."
I have spent almost the last 2 years studying Anusara Yoga. The philosophy of described 36 tattvas. They are considered to be the way the Supreme energy moves from subtle to gross, from the metaphysical to the physical world.
The Supreme first enters the world as a Shiva-Shakti, Consciousness/The power of Concsiousness. It then divides into 3 more aspects, then Maya and the 5 Konchikas (5 vails, that place dust over the 5 aspects of the supreme), causing the supreme to not be its fullest in the world. This is because the only way the supreme can know itself is by hiding itself in order to find itself again. We are then brought to the physical relam, first to Purusha (male energy) and Prakriti (female energy). Shiva/Shakti are considered to be over lapping as one aspect, while Purusha and Prakriti are considered to be next to each other, two different aspects. I realized that through the division of the absolute to the gross there has been a dance of confusion that has happened, and in this dance one energy has become dominate (male energy, Purusha). Thus this results in the normative division of sex, of race and of culture.
But if we are all aspects of the Divine Absolute energy, then we are not separate. We are all one, all expressions of each other; just reflections in the mirror. We need to realize that, in this dance, fear and confusion and dominance have developed. This results in the creation of the energies that 'control' how we should act, how we should 'be.' That things are lesser then other things. Men are stronger, women are weaker. Straight is better, gay is less good. Man should act like this, and a woman should be 'a lady', but don't be yourself. . . We have resulted in setting up normatives and accepting them; finding molds to fit into. I understand that for society to function we must all meet at common ground, but it seems that our common ground is not a safe place for individuality or tolerance. Don't get me wrong, we have come a long way. Unfortunately, there is still a very narrowly defined expectation on how we are supposed to be sexually.
I grew up in the arts, which is notorious for accepting just about anything. However, I also grew up in team sports where it was just assumed you like girls; if you didn't it was nearly impossible to find the space to be yourself. I got sucked into the confusion of the division from subtle to gross as Anusara yoga philosophy presents. I rested in and found comfort in the confusion and it wasn't until my deeper understand of my philosphical self that I came to a conclusion and freed myself. I discovered some of my limits and worked slowly through them and now I open and more myself then ever. Limits are what make us free because we constantly work through them and then find and experience freedom. After all, if we were free all time, we wouldn't know what freedom felt like.
If we are truly practicing life, we need to realize that dominance is our greatest weakness. It is a limitation that, if we don't bring awareness to, will stick us in a world of inequality, a world that see things just one way, rather embracing the diversity that makes us great. Just like for an ecosystem to work, there must be a strong biodiversity. Our human ecosystem is degrading; our diversity is present but it is not respected.
So in this entry, I ask for you to practice awareness in your actions, in the way you express yourself--even in the way your think. Observe yourself and figure out if you are truly being yourself without fear of confusion from our current dominance. Be you, and stand up for diversity, stand up for love, stand for yourself! Have you fallen into set normatives, putting pressure on yourself to be certain way? Stop even making your own normative of yourself. Each moment is precious in this body, so stop taking it for granted. Change, grow, evolve, but stay true to your foundation, even if it is a bleak one.
I wonder if yoga has a place in politics/social change. Just like engaged Buddhism. . .could I become an engaged yogi, weaving yogic thought to activism?
:)
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